1. If you can’t be a helpless girl, be a dangerous girl. A lethal Lolita is boffo at the box office. An alternately helpless and dangerous girl? That’s a perfecta. Think Bridget Fonda in Point of No Return.
2. Be a vulnerable capable girl. It also works like a charm. Remember Sandra Bullock in Speed? One minute she’s Kim Possible, “I’ll drive that bus!” and the next minute she’s all, “OMG! I’m wearing a bomb. Does this make me look fat?” So Keanu Reeves does what any red-blooded action man would do. He saves her and falls in love with her. Or falls in love with her and saves her. Whatever.
3. Keep moving. It is a “MOVE-ee” after all. Lackluster films benefit enormously from this concept. So will your life. Never stop. However stupid, however improbable, however obvious, keep moving. A character must always do whatever comes next – and quickly. Otherwise the audience might stop to think about just how goofy the whole situation is.
4. A gun is a tool. It does much more than shoot people. It opens locks, deflates tires, breaks cameras, silences noisy bystanders, signals for help, ignites propane and causes a nasty bruise. There’s no end of ways a gun can come in handy.
5. You can never have too much ammunition. As the man said, "Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people." It is best to shoot people many many times. Then you know they won’t get up. That’s what gives you confidence – and we all know how sexy that is.
6. Always save some ammo. Zombies get back up. Thugs have buddies hiding behind the door. Some perps wear body armor and will require a head shot. Save that last bullet and you just may save your own life – or take it, unfortunately. Don’t forget that sometimes death is actually your best option. I mean, it is preferable to being cocooned as a living host to a gestating alien that will burst out of your thorax and then scamper off to eat your friends and family.
7. Don’t gloat. Gun-toting villains want to make a theatrical final impression on the demolished hero at their feet. Evildoers love uttering something profound during their adversary’s last moment on earth. But evildoers never learn. They utter a great one-liner, aim their weapon and get shot in the head by the beta-hero. Serves ‘em right.
8. Always be over-equipped. It’s like being overdressed for a party. When you are wearing a bit too much glam, you look fabulous. Too little? You’re the dork who couldn’t read the invitation right. Weapons are the same way. He has a knife. You get a gun. He has a gun. You get a bazooka.
9. Know your enemy. Sometimes you don’t need to use a gun, you just need to show it to someone. On the other hand, sometimes you need to shoot your enemy’s dog, kill all his relatives and burn down his house. Be flexible. Do whatever is necessary and don’t waste your time doing too much.
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